Sllloooww

Changing your mind set is not easy.
Growing up with so many emotional connections to food.
Seeing everyone around you eating krud and smiling.
Makes you think....why push so hard? Why change?
But then I remember....
I want to have energy again.
I want to not feel like I am dying.
I want strength.
I want healing.
I can have those things....I just have to let my body heal! And my body can't heal if I am constantly putting bad things in!
Currently I am just trying for 100% lfrv breakfasts.
I so badly want to just full on jump into it but I am afraid I will get overwhelmed again and go backwards. I think if I want this to be my lifestyle, I need to take baby steps.

I can do this. What's stopping me? My emotional connections! UGH
Every single time I eat something I shouldn't, I have some reason of why it is okay, but the second I finish that meal....I regret it and say...no more....just to do it all over again. I can be stronger than that. I have been!

Everyone deals with temptation....I want to be the one who doesn't fall in to them.

Only way I can do that is with Gods help. Luckily all I have to do is ask!

Moving Forward

Things aren't perfect but they are a LOT better.
Having the energy to not just say I want to do something, but getting up and doing it is awesome!
Went bike riding the other day. I haven't done that in forever. I wake up with so many ideas of what I want or need to get done instead of just wanting to sleep more.
It's not easy seeing everyone around me at home eating meat and dairy but it's actually getting easier...!!

I had the energy to make a new song! Not enough to really perfect it, but it's better than nothing :D

Light

Headaches from withdrawal are starting to fade and I'm starting to finally be in a good mood again.
I have random bursts of energy which is...awesome. Anxiety has been not so bad :D.
Having hope that soon I will really be doing better. Been doing low fat raw for breakfast for now and keeping it vegan.  Lunches seem complicated though. I think I may need to have two lunches during work. I mean break my lunch in half and have two smaller meals. I'm going to try that out...

So exciting to be feeling this good without caffeine!

~Amber

PS. Found an awesome song. It's about taking control, kind of goes with pushing yourself to do what's best. Mind over matter!

Heightened Sense of Smell...

Yesterday I woke up from not sleeping. Yes...the night before last, I laid in bed with my eyes closed all night. So yesterday getting to work was a miracle, but I made it. I had a heightened sense of smell. That is not a sense you want heightened! UGH. Every room had it's own smell...or more than one. I mostly smelled chemicals and sick people....

Well, because I couldn't sleep...I decided to not have my energy drinks anymore. Which means the want to stay on the diet was not easy. I'm all over the place but at least this time I understand what is happening. I am excited to be off the energy drink. After I am done with withdrawal, I can let my body heal. I also feel like the best way for me to do this is to take baby steps. (If I am doing it alone...)

I am glad that my whole want for good health hasn't left me like last time. I feel like last time I blamed the diet instead of the energy drink and it was totally the other way around. Everyone has to start somewhere and I am going to start with eating more and more raw and less and less cooked. I'm also going to try to not have meat and dairy. It's not hard at home...but those days that you go out OR the times that you stupidly forget to bring lunch...it's harder to eat vegan. I found something vegan at taco bell that I like though.

If only I could have a raw chef...ahaha. Low Fat Raw Chef....bringing me what I need throughout the day, buying all the food I need at the right times so I always have ripe fruit around XD.

Too bad too bad.

After doing 100% raw, having a little bit of cooked lately....I have just a nasty aftertaste in my mouth. I love how when only eating raw, your mouth is always just clean and your teeth are smooth...  :D

So withdrawal sucks...just saying. Migraine after migraine...not much energy MEH

Tirtle is whining to go outside so I better go...

Down to 1

So the journey started with my mom, sis, and I....but they quit yesterday. I guess it's time to change the description of my blog lol.

My stomach dropped when they were telling me they weren't going to do it anymore. All the bad memories of doing this alone in the past washed over me. Remembering how I would come home to the smell of cooked dinners that would tempt me to death.

It was so awesome having them on the diet...we ate together as a family...ish. My dad wasn't doing the diet, so he would eat with us sometimes and then go and find something else to munch on. (Let's just say he ate a LOT of peanut butter and cracker sandwiches....little guy!) But for the most part I had family to eat with and that is something I am going to miss. I know that maybe one day I will be so strong that I will be able to eat with them even if they are eating steak lol. Right now I could because I still have no appetite, but I TELL YOU WHAT, I am scared for when my cravings kick in and I have no one to stand by.

I am doing this for me though, so I don't want to give up.

Tirtle (my chihuahua), likes fruits and veggies AND she is so adorable, so at least she can motivate me MAYBES? lol

This weekend is so gloomy in MD. I am craving sunlight...It was 80 sum degrees on friday, then it was rainy and still rainly and depressing lol. My brother moved to hawaii...I wish I could have gone with him.

OKAY *slaps own face* NO MORE MOPING!

I am happy that I didn't give up.
I am happy I have money to buy healthy fruits and veggies.
I am glad God can lend me strength to do amazing things.
I am glad He has given me the strength to hold on to what is right.
I am glad I am moving forward.
I am excited the trees are budding.
I am excited to start a new life in health and happiness.
And I am willing to go through the hard times to get there.

pretty miserable

what day is this? I'm having a hard time using my brain to think today.

Last night I actually slept pretty good. The nights before that I just felt so overstimulated and if I did fall asleep I would keep dreaming about getting enough calories. My dog at least is sleeping good .. his dreams make him wag his tail.. lucky! lol

Since starting 80/10/10 it seems that this diet/lifestyle is all i think about and i feel like im going crazy. I'm not hungry, but i'm way under on calories. Then when i force myself to eat I feel shitty and have to sit down for a while. I haven't really gotten out of the house which im sure makes me feel crazier but I don't feel good. so…. this sucks. My mom and sister seem to be doing well and im happy for them. But I'm constantly wondering if I can do this. I don't want to lose a lot of weight…I'm worried about what my social life will be like because usually when people get together they eat… and i loved that part!

two nights ago I woke up with horrible pain in both my arms. assuming its a detox thing. then yesterday I made myself get up and go to the grocery store with my mom and sister to get more fruit. I could hardly walk I had pains in my back, my legs, my arms.

I do feel a lot lighter. like im floating lol.

hmmm what else. oh yea so I decided to stop taking the 5 hour energy (i usually take half of one every morning … ) figured that could have a lot to do with my feeling overstimulated all the time and not sleeping good. So i didn't take it today.. have had a horrible migraine most of the day.

lots of complaining… i know i know.. definitely questioning this whole thing. feels more like i have some eating disorder right now. still haven't given up though..

I am so nauseas … i'm gonna go lay down.

~Alison

Amber: Day 6

The last two days have been weird.

Yesterday I was still sick with a cold type thing and had no appetite.

Today I felt alright. I had a good amount of energy and no appetite.
I like not having an appetite, because then I am not craving. At work they got pizza for everyone and normally I would be eating a LOT of pizza. I smelled it though and instead of being tempted with cravings, my mind was thinking about how pizza is horrible for you. I sat there next to everyone who was eating pizza...with my watermelon. It was awesome. Last time I tried 811...I craved so bad, so it's really an awesome feeling to be content and not have this emotional connection with food. I just eat when I'm hungry. When I say I have no appetite, I don't mean I don't get hungry. I do. My body has hunger pains but I just don't have a desire to eat. So when I start eating, I do enjoy the food I am eating, I just don't dig into it from the start like a crazy zombie...

Tonight has been hard. There is something I forgot to mention earlier and I should definitely bring it up. I am addicted to caffeine. I drink a 5-hour energy drink everyday. Half in the morning and half at noon. It takes away my depression and get's me going and it also gives me a lot of B12. I can't stand them though. I mean...I drink them to get rid of my depression but I also suffer from anxiety. The drink helps my depression but they make my anxiety SO BAD!! I know that I won't need to drink them anymore soon but last time I got off of them was right before I gave up on 811 before. I feel like with them I want to do what is right and get healthy, but when I got off of them I just got depressed and wanted to quit and not do anything. Well today and yesterday I drank only half of the energy drink in the morning and I am okay...so I am on them "less" which is good, but my sister got off of hers cold turkey. And guess what...she is thinking about giving up on 811 (she is not sure what to do). Which is depressing me :(. I hope that she will write about it herself, and I hope that she doesn't give up...but I am scared. I just don't want to see her in a bad state of mind again. I know 811 will cure our issues, and I want us to be happy together.

We always have these fun ideas to do together, but we are usually so tired all the time or not in a good mood. SICK OF IT. I am glad that I am starting to feel better though. I hope that I can be a good encouragement to my sister.

I need to exercise...I have been afraid to exercise because I can't eat enough yet, but then I was thinking...if I exercise, maybe it will help me eat more? As long as it won't make me lose weight though. That would be bad!

~Amber